I Don't Know Why I'm Scared, Because I've Been Here Before, Every Feeling Every Word, I've Imagined It All.

Dear Julian,

I don't want to get too excited.

We had a conversation in Study Hall today, just hanging out, looking at our AP History tests. We talked about grades, about siblings, about pressures and life. It felt like it used to, sitting on my old couch in the renovated basement. Your fidgeting, hand gestures, as you rhythmically swung back and forth on the library chairs as I usually do but didn't today. I was leaning forward, trying to get closer to you. We looked each other in the eyes, your gorgeous teal-blue eyes that just make me feel like...something's there.

You were nice.

Normally you're mean, in your weird way. Your mind games, your tests. But then...you were as I remembered you. Thoughtful, full of little anecdotes about your older brothers, talking in a way that didn't hurt anyone. It was that little space of time, H-Block, that I truly felt that we truly have a chance now. A chance to be something new. And that made me happy.

I just recently read Sophia's post on Tumblr, about her realization that she was bisexual, I think? It sounded like she was bisexual, and not a lesbian as I had previously thought. I don't know why I'm talking about this, but like, it was beautiful. And I want to tell her that, but I don't really know how without seeming like a creepy stalker since she only posted it on her Twitter. I want everyone to read it and realize what she went through. That hurting Ian was the last thing she wanted, but that she had to because it was the way she felt, and she couldn't deny it. She and Ian had a companionship instead of a relationship, like Lauren and Burbank too, Brianna's sister and her ex, respectively.

When the flame goes out, you can't fake it. I was talking to Natalie about this during cross-country, as we ran a four mile run in the rain. She talked about her relationship with Nate (yes, your Nate), and I talked about mine with Andrew. How, when we couldn't feel anything for them anymore, all we could do was end it.

Speaking of Andrew, after he got a 29/45 on his History, I had to grab him by the shoulders and tell him that it wasn't that bad of a grade. It was weird, grabbing him by the shoulders and looking him in the eyes. I knew where that used to go, and it was strange being back in that place. But again, I don't have any feelings for him anymore. I know my feelings for you are stronger, feelings that I've had. Andrew and I never really had that spark I was looking for. And I tried to find it, but if it's just not there, it's not there, and that's it.

I've probably said this a million times, but I don't know where we're going. I hope it's somewhere good, and I hope if we can get a good thing going and keep it going. I don't want to be another Dana or Carly. I want to be Jerrica. I want to be the girl that lasts, the girl that makes you think, makes you feel, makes you work for who you want to be. I wasn't that girl last year, I was a little insecure and unable to stand on my own. I wasn't that girl when we tried to be together the first time, when we fumbled and lost our footholds. This time I'm the girl I want to be, and I hope I'm the girl you want.

But if not? I'll live, I promise.

This whole thing, I started it to get out all these feelings that I was having, all these emotions that I wanted to express to you but didn't know how. And here I am. It's therapeutic, really. I don't want you to think that this is some sort of strange obsession, because it's not. Don't you have things to say to people but can't? Like maybe to me? ;) Just kidding, sort of.

I'll see you tomorrow, and hopefully the days coming will be good.

With hope,

Me

Would You Lie With Me And Just Forget the World?

Dear Julian,

I remember the song of the title, you had it in your quotes on Facebook for a long time. I'm pretty sure it was directed at me. Forgetting the world, forgetting Graham. Sometimes, I'll admit, it was what I wanted to do. I felt the constant pull of you, but I felt Graham's pull too. I remember looking at myself in the mirror at my old house, wondering who this girl was and who she had become. And that's approaching on two years ago now.

I never wanted to cheat on Graham with you. Okay, that's a lie. I did. But I never did. I may have shamelessly flirted with you and sent two thousand "kiss me" signals but nothing ever transpired. Even after I broke up with Graham, nothing ever really happened. I should've kissed you after we hugged. I should've moved in and let it happen.

I had a dream about kissing you the other night. But it was too soon. The kiss felt good, and you kissed back, but I had surprised you and I knew once we broke apart you would say something that would break my heart. We were on the bus to my house, for some strange reason.

I've done bad things, things that I don't want to tell you about. And since these are basically letters to you I don't want to say. But it was by far the worst thing I've ever done in my life. And the worst part? I kind of want to do it again. And that's why my feelings for you are so complicated right now. The girl in the mirror nearly two years ago had no idea of what she was actually capable of.

Don't worry, it's not murder or drugs or anything. It's just...a breaking of an unspoken code. A sacred code, almost like the Bible or Q'uran or Torah or what have you. And I still feel both bad and good about it. Sometimes it's warm, sometimes it's cold.

I went running today. I might talk about that a lot. Even so, even after the Multicultural Fair, I felt low. I went breezing through Goodwill and I just felt this heaviness. After getting home, I had some frozen GoGurts and I felt better. Still, running usually does a sort of trick on me, as in tricking me into feeling better. We shall see.

I have to work tomorrow. Work has been such a constant, it's lasted through Graham, through you, through Andrew, through my Summer Transgressions. No matter what, there is almost always work on Sundays. Some other days depending on the busyness of the store. And of course there are some days off. Very rare days off. I need to get paid.

"Winter Winds" by Mumford & Sons is playing on my current 8tracks mix. I love 8tracks. This song makes me feel complicated things too. I want to tell you, but I'm afraid of saying it. I hate saying it. I told Tess about it. She was understanding and I don't think she'll tell. I've told very few people. I really don't like to, no, I definitely hate it. It just makes me feel like such a weak character.

Ah yes, during my run today I was thinking about things in my life that may have symbolism. But can life, which is so random and unpredictable, have literary predictions? I looked over some of my past blog posts on here, and there may be some foreshadowing, some dramatic irony. Is my entire life plotted out? Have I gone off script? Have we gone off script?

I believe in karma, but I don't believe in a fate or ultimate destiny that is beyond our control. We have control over our lives. But love? How can I believe in one true love without believing in fate? Or even true love, for that matter.

Getting deep tonight, aren't we? It's only a little after eight, my parents are watching some weird movie about Jim Morrison? The dude from The Doors. You probably knew that.

Okay.

I have hope for our future, even if it isn't laid out in stone. I hope that we can make the right decisions. And maybe you can stop being so mean sometimes.

All for now,

Me

I Took a Sip of Something Poison But I'll Hold on Tight

Dear Julian,

We talk again. And I know you talk to a lot of girls. And my feelings for you are complicated at best. I don't know what they are. Sometimes I like you, sometimes I want to rip your head off and break your bones (but that's normal), and sometimes I forget about you completely. There are times when it's just nothing.

I can get obsessive but I'm staying cool for the most part. I keep my options open. I focus on school. I'm glad I joined cross country. Running helps me escape emotional pain, I've learned. Even if I run to new ones. I don't want to get too specific.

As Tess said you "flirt like a five year-old". And you do. You take the batteries out of my calculator. You steal my pen. You rip my homework papers. I retaliate, try to stay out of trouble. I want to be sly like you, seamlessly staying out of teacher's bad sides, sides I can easily get into if I try hard enough.

Junior year feels promising, a flower blooming. And I want it to. I want to be happy, I want to feel sunlight on my face. I want to be better.

I don't know if those plans involve you.

Some days I just feel low. Today is one of those days. And it was weird because it was the first sunny day in like, a week and I'm usually happy on sunny days. It might've been my low energy level because of the race yesterday. I fell asleep way early, about 10, but I still woke up exhausted like I barely slept at all. I wore sweatpants to school and that might've not helped because they felt like pajamas. Then in cross country we ran to the lake but there was some sort of steamboat convention and they put milfoil poison in the water so we weren't allowed to swim. And when I say ran, I mean ran. We totally booked it the whole way on the promise of a refreshing swim. But I guess not.

We played capture the flag and I won the game (I lost the game, sorry) for my team. That might've been a little misleading. I got the flag and won it. I just lost the game, as in The Game. You know. Then we played lap tag and some stuff happened and it wasn't bad stuff I just don't really want to talk about it all that much. Now I'm just sitting on my couch in sweatpants and a hoodie and a blanket over me and I just feel low. It's one of those days.

I had a great week overall. Dave Matthews Band on the radio on Tuesday. Whenever DMB comes on on the way to school/work it means good luck. It's a superstition of mine that nearly never fails. So perhaps it's more of a proven hypothesis. Advanced Bio. We have a lot of classes together this year.

Right now, I just want to put "Torches" on my iPod, lay in my bed in my blankets and listen to it. Close my eyes and forget my bit of troubles and remember my blesses. I wrote them all down in a recent diary entry and it made me feel so much better. That was a good day. I wonder if I have depression or something. It's probably pretty mild and running typically makes it go away, today it didn't really but whatever. Sometimes Julian, I don't know. It all seems like a lot to be dealing with.

That just reminded me that I need to sign up for the October SAT's. Yikes. Just got onto College Board. Everything's moving so fast sometimes. And sometimes things don't come soon enough. And there never seems to be a happy medium that I like. C'est la vie. Viva la France.

Exhaustedly,

Me

Have I Already Tasted, My Piece of One Sweet Love?

Dear Julian,

I don't really know what to say to you at this point. You're dating Carly and I'm not sure if I should care or not. My feelings for you are, let's say complicated. Everything is complicated. I want to not feel for a few days and see how that is. I want to disappear inside a cocoon sometimes. Sometimes it feels like I can't get anything right.

I actually had a decent day. Today was the last day of school, I went out to lunch with my friends, I watched "Pretty Little Liars". Actually I think I'm just overheating, but I have some things to say.

We went wrong. We went oh so very wrong. And most of the time I don't miss you, but when I do it hurts. I was thinking about how a year has gone by so fast it seems, and it has. My life is whooshing by me and I don't know how to make it stop. I want to close my eyes and have time freeze and maybe you'd be there with me like when you told me about how sometimes you think the world is all in your mind, just like I do. But you didn't do it in some obnoxious way like Andrew always did, over-analyzing everything and sounding like a douchebag. You never did that. You always made it seem like your accomplishments weren't anything hugely important to the order of the universe, but accomplishments all the same.

But you are a player, and I know that. You flirt with every girl and even some guys though you probably don't realize it.

Maybe what's bothering me is that everyone thinks you're such a great guy. And you are, but not for the reasons everyone thinks. You're smart and talented but you hide behind popular and flirty. And maybe that's a lot of people's aspirations.

There's a party on Saturday but I don't know if I want to go. I'll feel left out if I don't but if I do go I don't want to see you and Carly cuddling up in front of the campfire. I want to make other plans but I have work the next day anyway so it's not like I can do anything major like go to...anywhere. I might as well just go but I feel like I shouldn't. There's a bad omen surrounding this party that I can't explain. I guess I have a few days before I have to decide.

I've been training for my half-marathon and it's been going pretty well. Dillon and Charlotte are in a bit better shape but we're basically equal. It feels good to go out and run, it makes me forget everything. And maybe because today was a rest day I don't feel well now. Running makes me feel better.

Tess is sad too. We're both sad about this Carly thing. I don't know if she really likes you because she said on the field trip to Boston that she might not say yes to you if you asked because she didn't want a boyfriend. But I guess she must've changed her mind. Still, something's up.

I'm trying to keep my life moving on its own, on my own. I don't...I don't know. Everything I see these days reminds me that I'm single but I have to keep moving forward, have to keep track of my goals, without a guy to pull me down. But I'm still in the shadows and people who do less than me are getting more, which I don't understand. People who don't care are being cared for. And though I stumble I always pick myself up, I don't expect others to do it for me. I love my friends but I have my own side to me, my own identity. I don't put everything up on Facebook and I don't pour my thoughts out over statuses. I tell everything to myself, to Bri sometimes, to friends here and there like Courtney and Bec.

Lately I've been keeping a lot to myself, though. And that could be what's making me hurt inside. I should tell Bri about my secret thoughts.

Here goes.

1. I like someone I shouldn't.

2. I flirt with people I shouldn't.

3. I think things I shouldn't think.

4. I make up stories that will never come true.

5. I've gone through every possible situation of any romantic situation I'd want to happen.

6. I'm one of those people who says "if this happens, then something totally unrelated will happen".

7. I've cried one tear since beginning to type this.

8. This is today's first tear.

9. Sometimes I'm convinced I'm fat.

10. I hate my breasts.

11. Sometimes I think Brianna is trying to make herself anorexic.

12. But I think she's gorgeously skinny so there's your double standard.

13. I've tried to make myself time travel on many occasions, basically on brain power alone.

14. I try to treat every new place I go as an adventure.

15. I'm not as pretty as Carly and that's why you like her.

16. I screwed everything up I screwed everything up. Like always.

17. I hate someone I pretend to like being around and I thought everyone agreed with me but maybe people are more twofaced than I thought.

18. I hate this girl that acts like a whore.

19. Sometimes I think everyone hates me.

20. I need to go to bed.

Someone's,

Me

We Meet in the Middle on Our Way Back Down to Earth

Dear Julian,

It's been awhile. I'm trying to sort my feelings out. I still feel things for you, still think about you, but it isn't as bad. We don't talk anymore, and I don't try to talk to you, so maybe that helps. Nordic may have made it worse, since I would see you and you would talk to me and ignite that feeling. Right now I'm just kind of focusing on school, which is essentially working since I'm doing pretty well for myself right now.

I don't know where any of my feelings lie right now, I feel so scattered in that regard. I'm even flirting with guys who have girlfriends, which is bad, I know. I try not to but it's so tempting. You had the same thing anyway, but with girls. We're probably just too similar to be together. We feel a connection in our similarity but not enough of a connection to be together.

I talked to my mom the other day about how different her and my dad are. She said that they complement each other. Maybe we didn't. We clashed, beautifully and wonderfully, but we clashed. Andrew and I were too similar and he annoyed me and he still annoys me now. This is due to the fact that he's so freaking emo whenever he's near me and I'm so sick of all his shit but I don't want to talk to him about it even though it creeps under my skin. Not in a good way. Seriously. And we're going to be doing track together so he better get over his stupid neuroses.

Blargh. I feel weird right now. I'm cold and tired and really bored but it's snowing even though it's March (boooo) and I don't feel very creative to be writing something but here I am. Not really sure what else to do, and I hate saying I'm bored because that's what fat people say when they could be outside exercising but I can't because the weather keeps changing from snow to rain and the roads are shit. And I already did some exercising nonsense inside like jumping jacks and various cardio things to some Biebs.

Complainy complainer fun times. Sigh.

Ambiguously,

Jerrica

When I Get Older, I Will Be Stronger. They'll Call Me Freedom, Just Like a Waving Flag.

Dear Julian,

Some revelations have come to mind this week. I've heard some interesting things. Let's dive in, shall we?

On Wednesday, I worked concessions at the basketball game with Charlotte and yes, Carly. I figured I might as well since I was stuck at school anyway, at least until like, 5:30, though I ended up staying until a little bit after 8. Carly was there to support Keenan as well, so her and Charlotte were in and out while I maintained constant, making sure no one stole anything. It turned out to be a very exciting game, with our school winning by one point, though I didn't see any of it, there were many retellings. Carly and I had many an interesting conversation, when Keenan was not hanging around her.

She kissed you.

She admitted this to me after I made the incorrect claim that you had only kissed Dana. She had told me the story of you two, how after her and Keenan broke up, you were there to comfort her (sound familiar?) and were a good friend to her when she needed it. Your time together began to turn romantic, but she wasn't over Keenan yet, so when she and Keenan began to reconcile, you were easy for her to cut. She wanted to remain friends, but you declared "all or nothing" and she chose the latter. She told me that you said you felt bad about what happened between us, and that he genuinely felt bad for every girl he had wronged. You said to Carly that it wouldn't happen between the two of you. She didn't believe you, she confided in me. I don't know if she was dying to tell her story to someone who understands or she feels close-ish to me. Carly and I aren't really that close, we're on a sort of crust of friendship, an area where I'm not sure if I can refer to us as friends or not. We work together often in student council, and the nightmare that became Mock Rock was a stressful time for both of us. Maybe the stress caused her to tell her woeful tale.

But either way, this new information hangs in my head. That she was able to touch your lips with hers and still go back to Keenan, who frankly is a kind of a jerk. They seem like a compatible couple, but he's mean to her sometimes. She's referred to the fact that you can't go near her because of some decree by Keenan, who does seem like the jealous type. But it's not really my place to judge their relationship, one that has been going on for over a year now, when I can barely hold on to a man for a period of three months.

As for the revelation I had, I realized yesterday at the Nordic Bonfire, which you did not attend, that I feel better when you're not around. Better is probably the wrong word, it's more like "alright". When you're near me, this fullness swells within me. When you've just recently left the room, it turns to emptiness. When I was at the Nordic Bonfire, flirting with guys and pouring drinks and putting chips in the "coveted cup" I shared with Bri, while we discussed books she's lent me recently and books we've both read, I feel good about being single. There's something wonderful about being singular. You do things based on your own motives. Your opinions aren't swayed by your significant other, who could think differently. My friends with boyfriends get like that sometimes, and it bothers me a little. When I was with Andrew I made a specific effort not to do so, because I knew that with Graham such events had transpired.

Then again, I wasn't as into Andrew as I was into Graham. I realize that now, when I was talking to Graham at the bonfire. I remember what I found attractive about him. His wide blue eyes, his vibrant orangey-gold hair, his strange, guttural laugh. When I look at Andrew, I remember our experiences but I don't long for them anymore. And according to Ashley, who was talking to me yesterday, Andrew still looks at me with sadness in his eyes. He also has a strange black eye now, one I do not ask about because we no longer have conversations. I wanted to talk to him because I'm sick of that look he gives me, when he clams up and makes his mouth small. Duffy agrees that something has shifted in him, possibly from The Scum, the school he went to, and not from me. I hope it's not from me. I didn't want to ruin him, and that's why I ended it when I did. Any longer and I would be fooling myself, would be deceiving him. I honestly didn't start out that way, but that's the way it ended.

I think he may think I'm more than I am. Andrew and I are compatible, yes, but he's not The One. I'm not sure I believe in The One, I believe that there are a few people out there that we can actually see ourselves being with for the long run, but not The One. Maybe you are one of those few people. Sometimes I think so. I kind of hope that you aren't, but I'll wonder what these feelings are, then. They're so different from anything that I've ever felt. When I broke up with Andrew, something about the things he said made me think that I would realize what a mistake I was making. But I felt relieved, I don't regret the decision I made. I try not to regret things. It makes life a little easier.

Unregretfully,

Jerrica

And It Was Not Your Fault But Mine, And It Was Your Heart On the Line.

Dear Julian,

An eventful past few days. The state race and all. And Dana.

Yes, Dana. The old threat. The ex-girlfriend who is slowly diminishing my hopes. But the girl I can't possibly bring myself to hate because she is a wonderful, nice person who had a little trouble with her ex-boyfriend Tyler. I feel so bad about that, because he was so mean to her. I mean awful. Graham may have stirred up problems where there were none, may have called me fat at one point, but nothing compared to Tyler. He just psychologically abused her, was obsessive and paranoid, and even hit her. She told me all this, tears edging their way out of her eyes. Her, Gabby, and I sat at a table, avoiding the cold of the outside, while she narrated a story filled with love and torture.

How could I hate her?

But there you were, flirting with her even as you sat next to me on the couch, our knees occasionally grazing, our shoulders sometimes making contact, our eyes locking from time to time. How could you not feel the energy between us? Maybe you can, but you choose to ignore it. Millions of theories run through my head, but they all go unanswered. Our Biology teacher told my class today that in science, theories are proven, as opposed to other things. But my theories aren't scientific, unfortunately.

The state race went really well, and I felt good about it. Dana of course beat me. I don't know how she got so good. I'll work really hard next year to beat her. Your ribbing at the Monday race motivated me. You skied over to me just to mock me, as you usually do, while I tried unsuccessfully to push you over while you laughed and skied around. That's when I had a lot of hope. Now, I stand on unsure ground.

I asked Dana about the two of you possibly getting together, and she isn't sure. She's still hung up on Tyler. It's a double-edged sword (30 Rock reference!) here. I want Dana to be in a healthy relationship, to get over Tyler, but I don't want her to be with YOU. I am contemplating telling her about my feelings for you. Bec says it might help with the situation but the only people I've told are her and Liz, in a moment of weakness while shopping for the Latin dinner. She told me a cute story about her and the representative of Papua New Guinea, how he flirted with her through notes like "I'm Czeching you out." (I think it's obvious now what country Liz was representing). And Liz has always been a calming, reasonable presence. But I'm yet to tell Bri.

It's weird, I tell Bri everything. But I'm afraid. She's been so lucky in love, her year anniversary with Joe was this week. I just feel so scattered next to her. Bec has experienced near my level of luck and Liz is too devoted to school to work on cultivating relationships. I'm not sure if that affects her or not. She seems happy. But I probably seem happy most of the time.

Also, Bri and I haven't had much alone time lately, time that hasn't been interrupted by others, mostly Joe. And I don't feel like telling her something this big over text after a lengthy discussion of Pretty Little Liars. I guess I'll know the right time when it comes up. If it ever comes up. Besides, I don't want to jinx this. Maybe the Dana thing came about because I told Liz. Maybe the less people I tell the better. Not really sure how that system works, but I'm willing to stick to it if it means a good end result.

In other good news, I got a 105% on that Bio test! It's a nice change from that 73% I got once-upon-a-don't-feel-like-studying. It felt good, and it's good to know that even in my unrequited love of an emotional state my brain is still functioning. When I took that test I think I forgot about you too, like when I did the state race. I need things like that, things that take up my entire mind, in order to keep sane, I think. I'm going to take up guitar again. I used to play in like, fifth and sixth grade, and I feel like it'll help relieve stress and give me some more sense of accomplishment.

I don't know what's going to happen with you and Dana. Dana doesn't seem all that sure about it, and maybe I can sway her away, not that I'm sure I want to. It's not really fair game, and I know that sounds weird. Maybe it's supposed to be this way, not that I believe in fate or anything, but I do believe in the butterfly effect. Maybe if I tell Dana I like you it'll warp something and we won't ever be together. I'm afraid of veering things off of a path that doesn't involve me. Well it does...how do I explain this?! I think my mind is a little off-kilter or something, at least when it comes to this situation I have going here. Every little choice involving it seems so delicate and malleable, like it could change in an instant if I put my foot in the wrong place.

At least I don't have to worry about Carly. She told me today that you're not allowed to come near her because of some Keenan thing. You can be kind of a weasel sometimes but I think you'll follow something like that. Keenan can be pretty scary, plus he's got his "homies". Do white people have homies?

Perplexedly,

Jerrica