We talk again. And I know you talk to a lot of girls. And my feelings for you are complicated at best. I don't know what they are. Sometimes I like you, sometimes I want to rip your head off and break your bones (but that's normal), and sometimes I forget about you completely. There are times when it's just nothing.
I can get obsessive but I'm staying cool for the most part. I keep my options open. I focus on school. I'm glad I joined cross country. Running helps me escape emotional pain, I've learned. Even if I run to new ones. I don't want to get too specific.
As Tess said you "flirt like a five year-old". And you do. You take the batteries out of my calculator. You steal my pen. You rip my homework papers. I retaliate, try to stay out of trouble. I want to be sly like you, seamlessly staying out of teacher's bad sides, sides I can easily get into if I try hard enough.
Junior year feels promising, a flower blooming. And I want it to. I want to be happy, I want to feel sunlight on my face. I want to be better.
I don't know if those plans involve you.
Some days I just feel low. Today is one of those days. And it was weird because it was the first sunny day in like, a week and I'm usually happy on sunny days. It might've been my low energy level because of the race yesterday. I fell asleep way early, about 10, but I still woke up exhausted like I barely slept at all. I wore sweatpants to school and that might've not helped because they felt like pajamas. Then in cross country we ran to the lake but there was some sort of steamboat convention and they put milfoil poison in the water so we weren't allowed to swim. And when I say ran, I mean ran. We totally booked it the whole way on the promise of a refreshing swim. But I guess not.
We played capture the flag and I won the game (I lost the game, sorry) for my team. That might've been a little misleading. I got the flag and won it. I just lost the game, as in The Game. You know. Then we played lap tag and some stuff happened and it wasn't bad stuff I just don't really want to talk about it all that much. Now I'm just sitting on my couch in sweatpants and a hoodie and a blanket over me and I just feel low. It's one of those days.
I had a great week overall. Dave Matthews Band on the radio on Tuesday. Whenever DMB comes on on the way to school/work it means good luck. It's a superstition of mine that nearly never fails. So perhaps it's more of a proven hypothesis. Advanced Bio. We have a lot of classes together this year.
Right now, I just want to put "Torches" on my iPod, lay in my bed in my blankets and listen to it. Close my eyes and forget my bit of troubles and remember my blesses. I wrote them all down in a recent diary entry and it made me feel so much better. That was a good day. I wonder if I have depression or something. It's probably pretty mild and running typically makes it go away, today it didn't really but whatever. Sometimes Julian, I don't know. It all seems like a lot to be dealing with.
That just reminded me that I need to sign up for the October SAT's. Yikes. Just got onto College Board. Everything's moving so fast sometimes. And sometimes things don't come soon enough. And there never seems to be a happy medium that I like. C'est la vie. Viva la France.
Exhaustedly,
Me
No comments:
Post a Comment