I don't want to get too excited.
We had a conversation in Study Hall today, just hanging out, looking at our AP History tests. We talked about grades, about siblings, about pressures and life. It felt like it used to, sitting on my old couch in the renovated basement. Your fidgeting, hand gestures, as you rhythmically swung back and forth on the library chairs as I usually do but didn't today. I was leaning forward, trying to get closer to you. We looked each other in the eyes, your gorgeous teal-blue eyes that just make me feel like...something's there.
You were nice.
Normally you're mean, in your weird way. Your mind games, your tests. But then...you were as I remembered you. Thoughtful, full of little anecdotes about your older brothers, talking in a way that didn't hurt anyone. It was that little space of time, H-Block, that I truly felt that we truly have a chance now. A chance to be something new. And that made me happy.
I just recently read Sophia's post on Tumblr, about her realization that she was bisexual, I think? It sounded like she was bisexual, and not a lesbian as I had previously thought. I don't know why I'm talking about this, but like, it was beautiful. And I want to tell her that, but I don't really know how without seeming like a creepy stalker since she only posted it on her Twitter. I want everyone to read it and realize what she went through. That hurting Ian was the last thing she wanted, but that she had to because it was the way she felt, and she couldn't deny it. She and Ian had a companionship instead of a relationship, like Lauren and Burbank too, Brianna's sister and her ex, respectively.
When the flame goes out, you can't fake it. I was talking to Natalie about this during cross-country, as we ran a four mile run in the rain. She talked about her relationship with Nate (yes, your Nate), and I talked about mine with Andrew. How, when we couldn't feel anything for them anymore, all we could do was end it.
Speaking of Andrew, after he got a 29/45 on his History, I had to grab him by the shoulders and tell him that it wasn't that bad of a grade. It was weird, grabbing him by the shoulders and looking him in the eyes. I knew where that used to go, and it was strange being back in that place. But again, I don't have any feelings for him anymore. I know my feelings for you are stronger, feelings that I've had. Andrew and I never really had that spark I was looking for. And I tried to find it, but if it's just not there, it's not there, and that's it.
I've probably said this a million times, but I don't know where we're going. I hope it's somewhere good, and I hope if we can get a good thing going and keep it going. I don't want to be another Dana or Carly. I want to be Jerrica. I want to be the girl that lasts, the girl that makes you think, makes you feel, makes you work for who you want to be. I wasn't that girl last year, I was a little insecure and unable to stand on my own. I wasn't that girl when we tried to be together the first time, when we fumbled and lost our footholds. This time I'm the girl I want to be, and I hope I'm the girl you want.
But if not? I'll live, I promise.
This whole thing, I started it to get out all these feelings that I was having, all these emotions that I wanted to express to you but didn't know how. And here I am. It's therapeutic, really. I don't want you to think that this is some sort of strange obsession, because it's not. Don't you have things to say to people but can't? Like maybe to me? ;) Just kidding, sort of.
I'll see you tomorrow, and hopefully the days coming will be good.
With hope,
Me
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