I remember the song of the title, you had it in your quotes on Facebook for a long time. I'm pretty sure it was directed at me. Forgetting the world, forgetting Graham. Sometimes, I'll admit, it was what I wanted to do. I felt the constant pull of you, but I felt Graham's pull too. I remember looking at myself in the mirror at my old house, wondering who this girl was and who she had become. And that's approaching on two years ago now.
I never wanted to cheat on Graham with you. Okay, that's a lie. I did. But I never did. I may have shamelessly flirted with you and sent two thousand "kiss me" signals but nothing ever transpired. Even after I broke up with Graham, nothing ever really happened. I should've kissed you after we hugged. I should've moved in and let it happen.
I had a dream about kissing you the other night. But it was too soon. The kiss felt good, and you kissed back, but I had surprised you and I knew once we broke apart you would say something that would break my heart. We were on the bus to my house, for some strange reason.
I've done bad things, things that I don't want to tell you about. And since these are basically letters to you I don't want to say. But it was by far the worst thing I've ever done in my life. And the worst part? I kind of want to do it again. And that's why my feelings for you are so complicated right now. The girl in the mirror nearly two years ago had no idea of what she was actually capable of.
Don't worry, it's not murder or drugs or anything. It's just...a breaking of an unspoken code. A sacred code, almost like the Bible or Q'uran or Torah or what have you. And I still feel both bad and good about it. Sometimes it's warm, sometimes it's cold.
I went running today. I might talk about that a lot. Even so, even after the Multicultural Fair, I felt low. I went breezing through Goodwill and I just felt this heaviness. After getting home, I had some frozen GoGurts and I felt better. Still, running usually does a sort of trick on me, as in tricking me into feeling better. We shall see.
I have to work tomorrow. Work has been such a constant, it's lasted through Graham, through you, through Andrew, through my Summer Transgressions. No matter what, there is almost always work on Sundays. Some other days depending on the busyness of the store. And of course there are some days off. Very rare days off. I need to get paid.
"Winter Winds" by Mumford & Sons is playing on my current 8tracks mix. I love 8tracks. This song makes me feel complicated things too. I want to tell you, but I'm afraid of saying it. I hate saying it. I told Tess about it. She was understanding and I don't think she'll tell. I've told very few people. I really don't like to, no, I definitely hate it. It just makes me feel like such a weak character.
Ah yes, during my run today I was thinking about things in my life that may have symbolism. But can life, which is so random and unpredictable, have literary predictions? I looked over some of my past blog posts on here, and there may be some foreshadowing, some dramatic irony. Is my entire life plotted out? Have I gone off script? Have we gone off script?
I believe in karma, but I don't believe in a fate or ultimate destiny that is beyond our control. We have control over our lives. But love? How can I believe in one true love without believing in fate? Or even true love, for that matter.
Getting deep tonight, aren't we? It's only a little after eight, my parents are watching some weird movie about Jim Morrison? The dude from The Doors. You probably knew that.
Okay.
I have hope for our future, even if it isn't laid out in stone. I hope that we can make the right decisions. And maybe you can stop being so mean sometimes.
All for now,
Me
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