Some revelations have come to mind this week. I've heard some interesting things. Let's dive in, shall we?
On Wednesday, I worked concessions at the basketball game with Charlotte and yes, Carly. I figured I might as well since I was stuck at school anyway, at least until like, 5:30, though I ended up staying until a little bit after 8. Carly was there to support Keenan as well, so her and Charlotte were in and out while I maintained constant, making sure no one stole anything. It turned out to be a very exciting game, with our school winning by one point, though I didn't see any of it, there were many retellings. Carly and I had many an interesting conversation, when Keenan was not hanging around her.
She kissed you.
She admitted this to me after I made the incorrect claim that you had only kissed Dana. She had told me the story of you two, how after her and Keenan broke up, you were there to comfort her (sound familiar?) and were a good friend to her when she needed it. Your time together began to turn romantic, but she wasn't over Keenan yet, so when she and Keenan began to reconcile, you were easy for her to cut. She wanted to remain friends, but you declared "all or nothing" and she chose the latter. She told me that you said you felt bad about what happened between us, and that he genuinely felt bad for every girl he had wronged. You said to Carly that it wouldn't happen between the two of you. She didn't believe you, she confided in me. I don't know if she was dying to tell her story to someone who understands or she feels close-ish to me. Carly and I aren't really that close, we're on a sort of crust of friendship, an area where I'm not sure if I can refer to us as friends or not. We work together often in student council, and the nightmare that became Mock Rock was a stressful time for both of us. Maybe the stress caused her to tell her woeful tale.
But either way, this new information hangs in my head. That she was able to touch your lips with hers and still go back to Keenan, who frankly is a kind of a jerk. They seem like a compatible couple, but he's mean to her sometimes. She's referred to the fact that you can't go near her because of some decree by Keenan, who does seem like the jealous type. But it's not really my place to judge their relationship, one that has been going on for over a year now, when I can barely hold on to a man for a period of three months.
As for the revelation I had, I realized yesterday at the Nordic Bonfire, which you did not attend, that I feel better when you're not around. Better is probably the wrong word, it's more like "alright". When you're near me, this fullness swells within me. When you've just recently left the room, it turns to emptiness. When I was at the Nordic Bonfire, flirting with guys and pouring drinks and putting chips in the "coveted cup" I shared with Bri, while we discussed books she's lent me recently and books we've both read, I feel good about being single. There's something wonderful about being singular. You do things based on your own motives. Your opinions aren't swayed by your significant other, who could think differently. My friends with boyfriends get like that sometimes, and it bothers me a little. When I was with Andrew I made a specific effort not to do so, because I knew that with Graham such events had transpired.
Then again, I wasn't as into Andrew as I was into Graham. I realize that now, when I was talking to Graham at the bonfire. I remember what I found attractive about him. His wide blue eyes, his vibrant orangey-gold hair, his strange, guttural laugh. When I look at Andrew, I remember our experiences but I don't long for them anymore. And according to Ashley, who was talking to me yesterday, Andrew still looks at me with sadness in his eyes. He also has a strange black eye now, one I do not ask about because we no longer have conversations. I wanted to talk to him because I'm sick of that look he gives me, when he clams up and makes his mouth small. Duffy agrees that something has shifted in him, possibly from The Scum, the school he went to, and not from me. I hope it's not from me. I didn't want to ruin him, and that's why I ended it when I did. Any longer and I would be fooling myself, would be deceiving him. I honestly didn't start out that way, but that's the way it ended.
I think he may think I'm more than I am. Andrew and I are compatible, yes, but he's not The One. I'm not sure I believe in The One, I believe that there are a few people out there that we can actually see ourselves being with for the long run, but not The One. Maybe you are one of those few people. Sometimes I think so. I kind of hope that you aren't, but I'll wonder what these feelings are, then. They're so different from anything that I've ever felt. When I broke up with Andrew, something about the things he said made me think that I would realize what a mistake I was making. But I felt relieved, I don't regret the decision I made. I try not to regret things. It makes life a little easier.
Unregretfully,
Jerrica
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