First Thought When I Wake Up, is "My God He's Beautiful", So I Put on My Make-Up, and Pray for a Miracle.

Dear Julian,

I had a dream about you last night, as I usually do. You came up to me and sat with me at my lunch table, angry about something. Apparently I was spreading a rumor that I punched you in the face? This, of course, is based off of that rumor that Megan spread that I slapped you in the face last year after you beat me out for First in Class. And sure, I was mad when that happened, but you know I didn't even lay a hand on you. Oh my God that's why I'm mad at Megan! I couldn't remember why I was mad at her so I let her copy my Bio homework. But whatever. Karma and such.

Anyway, I denied it and you forgave me, and you took my hand across the table. There was a sudden sense of realization on your face, and I took a chance and said, "Do you maybe want to hang out sometime?" You smiled at me and said, "Yes, absolutely."

Then I had another dream that I was sitting in the exact same seat in the lunch room. Our eyes locked for a few seconds, and then you walked right on by.

I wonder what that means.

We lock eyes quite frequently during the day. And by frequently, I mean two or three times. But it's enough to steal the breath from me. Sometimes I feel like you look but maybe I'm with someone in the hallway and I miss it, or vice versa, I look but you're talking to someone else. Usually a girl, like Emily or Kamaya or Paola or Carly or whoever. You like to talk to girls. It's just part of who you are.

Yesterday was a year since I chose Graham over you. Though, essentially, you told me that you also liked Tess and Dana so I thought that you weren't that serious about me. I suppose it's both our faults, like it is every time we try and fail to be a couple. I don't know when or if we'll ever try again. And this is the whole point of this, trying to release all the things I want to tell you and can't. It's kind of therapeutic in a way, to get everything out. And hopefully with the change of blog title and history deleting this will not be found by any members of my family any time soon.

Psychologically,

Jerrica