I Took a Sip of Something Poison But I'll Hold on Tight

Dear Julian,

We talk again. And I know you talk to a lot of girls. And my feelings for you are complicated at best. I don't know what they are. Sometimes I like you, sometimes I want to rip your head off and break your bones (but that's normal), and sometimes I forget about you completely. There are times when it's just nothing.

I can get obsessive but I'm staying cool for the most part. I keep my options open. I focus on school. I'm glad I joined cross country. Running helps me escape emotional pain, I've learned. Even if I run to new ones. I don't want to get too specific.

As Tess said you "flirt like a five year-old". And you do. You take the batteries out of my calculator. You steal my pen. You rip my homework papers. I retaliate, try to stay out of trouble. I want to be sly like you, seamlessly staying out of teacher's bad sides, sides I can easily get into if I try hard enough.

Junior year feels promising, a flower blooming. And I want it to. I want to be happy, I want to feel sunlight on my face. I want to be better.

I don't know if those plans involve you.

Some days I just feel low. Today is one of those days. And it was weird because it was the first sunny day in like, a week and I'm usually happy on sunny days. It might've been my low energy level because of the race yesterday. I fell asleep way early, about 10, but I still woke up exhausted like I barely slept at all. I wore sweatpants to school and that might've not helped because they felt like pajamas. Then in cross country we ran to the lake but there was some sort of steamboat convention and they put milfoil poison in the water so we weren't allowed to swim. And when I say ran, I mean ran. We totally booked it the whole way on the promise of a refreshing swim. But I guess not.

We played capture the flag and I won the game (I lost the game, sorry) for my team. That might've been a little misleading. I got the flag and won it. I just lost the game, as in The Game. You know. Then we played lap tag and some stuff happened and it wasn't bad stuff I just don't really want to talk about it all that much. Now I'm just sitting on my couch in sweatpants and a hoodie and a blanket over me and I just feel low. It's one of those days.

I had a great week overall. Dave Matthews Band on the radio on Tuesday. Whenever DMB comes on on the way to school/work it means good luck. It's a superstition of mine that nearly never fails. So perhaps it's more of a proven hypothesis. Advanced Bio. We have a lot of classes together this year.

Right now, I just want to put "Torches" on my iPod, lay in my bed in my blankets and listen to it. Close my eyes and forget my bit of troubles and remember my blesses. I wrote them all down in a recent diary entry and it made me feel so much better. That was a good day. I wonder if I have depression or something. It's probably pretty mild and running typically makes it go away, today it didn't really but whatever. Sometimes Julian, I don't know. It all seems like a lot to be dealing with.

That just reminded me that I need to sign up for the October SAT's. Yikes. Just got onto College Board. Everything's moving so fast sometimes. And sometimes things don't come soon enough. And there never seems to be a happy medium that I like. C'est la vie. Viva la France.

Exhaustedly,

Me

Have I Already Tasted, My Piece of One Sweet Love?

Dear Julian,

I don't really know what to say to you at this point. You're dating Carly and I'm not sure if I should care or not. My feelings for you are, let's say complicated. Everything is complicated. I want to not feel for a few days and see how that is. I want to disappear inside a cocoon sometimes. Sometimes it feels like I can't get anything right.

I actually had a decent day. Today was the last day of school, I went out to lunch with my friends, I watched "Pretty Little Liars". Actually I think I'm just overheating, but I have some things to say.

We went wrong. We went oh so very wrong. And most of the time I don't miss you, but when I do it hurts. I was thinking about how a year has gone by so fast it seems, and it has. My life is whooshing by me and I don't know how to make it stop. I want to close my eyes and have time freeze and maybe you'd be there with me like when you told me about how sometimes you think the world is all in your mind, just like I do. But you didn't do it in some obnoxious way like Andrew always did, over-analyzing everything and sounding like a douchebag. You never did that. You always made it seem like your accomplishments weren't anything hugely important to the order of the universe, but accomplishments all the same.

But you are a player, and I know that. You flirt with every girl and even some guys though you probably don't realize it.

Maybe what's bothering me is that everyone thinks you're such a great guy. And you are, but not for the reasons everyone thinks. You're smart and talented but you hide behind popular and flirty. And maybe that's a lot of people's aspirations.

There's a party on Saturday but I don't know if I want to go. I'll feel left out if I don't but if I do go I don't want to see you and Carly cuddling up in front of the campfire. I want to make other plans but I have work the next day anyway so it's not like I can do anything major like go to...anywhere. I might as well just go but I feel like I shouldn't. There's a bad omen surrounding this party that I can't explain. I guess I have a few days before I have to decide.

I've been training for my half-marathon and it's been going pretty well. Dillon and Charlotte are in a bit better shape but we're basically equal. It feels good to go out and run, it makes me forget everything. And maybe because today was a rest day I don't feel well now. Running makes me feel better.

Tess is sad too. We're both sad about this Carly thing. I don't know if she really likes you because she said on the field trip to Boston that she might not say yes to you if you asked because she didn't want a boyfriend. But I guess she must've changed her mind. Still, something's up.

I'm trying to keep my life moving on its own, on my own. I don't...I don't know. Everything I see these days reminds me that I'm single but I have to keep moving forward, have to keep track of my goals, without a guy to pull me down. But I'm still in the shadows and people who do less than me are getting more, which I don't understand. People who don't care are being cared for. And though I stumble I always pick myself up, I don't expect others to do it for me. I love my friends but I have my own side to me, my own identity. I don't put everything up on Facebook and I don't pour my thoughts out over statuses. I tell everything to myself, to Bri sometimes, to friends here and there like Courtney and Bec.

Lately I've been keeping a lot to myself, though. And that could be what's making me hurt inside. I should tell Bri about my secret thoughts.

Here goes.

1. I like someone I shouldn't.

2. I flirt with people I shouldn't.

3. I think things I shouldn't think.

4. I make up stories that will never come true.

5. I've gone through every possible situation of any romantic situation I'd want to happen.

6. I'm one of those people who says "if this happens, then something totally unrelated will happen".

7. I've cried one tear since beginning to type this.

8. This is today's first tear.

9. Sometimes I'm convinced I'm fat.

10. I hate my breasts.

11. Sometimes I think Brianna is trying to make herself anorexic.

12. But I think she's gorgeously skinny so there's your double standard.

13. I've tried to make myself time travel on many occasions, basically on brain power alone.

14. I try to treat every new place I go as an adventure.

15. I'm not as pretty as Carly and that's why you like her.

16. I screwed everything up I screwed everything up. Like always.

17. I hate someone I pretend to like being around and I thought everyone agreed with me but maybe people are more twofaced than I thought.

18. I hate this girl that acts like a whore.

19. Sometimes I think everyone hates me.

20. I need to go to bed.

Someone's,

Me

We Meet in the Middle on Our Way Back Down to Earth

Dear Julian,

It's been awhile. I'm trying to sort my feelings out. I still feel things for you, still think about you, but it isn't as bad. We don't talk anymore, and I don't try to talk to you, so maybe that helps. Nordic may have made it worse, since I would see you and you would talk to me and ignite that feeling. Right now I'm just kind of focusing on school, which is essentially working since I'm doing pretty well for myself right now.

I don't know where any of my feelings lie right now, I feel so scattered in that regard. I'm even flirting with guys who have girlfriends, which is bad, I know. I try not to but it's so tempting. You had the same thing anyway, but with girls. We're probably just too similar to be together. We feel a connection in our similarity but not enough of a connection to be together.

I talked to my mom the other day about how different her and my dad are. She said that they complement each other. Maybe we didn't. We clashed, beautifully and wonderfully, but we clashed. Andrew and I were too similar and he annoyed me and he still annoys me now. This is due to the fact that he's so freaking emo whenever he's near me and I'm so sick of all his shit but I don't want to talk to him about it even though it creeps under my skin. Not in a good way. Seriously. And we're going to be doing track together so he better get over his stupid neuroses.

Blargh. I feel weird right now. I'm cold and tired and really bored but it's snowing even though it's March (boooo) and I don't feel very creative to be writing something but here I am. Not really sure what else to do, and I hate saying I'm bored because that's what fat people say when they could be outside exercising but I can't because the weather keeps changing from snow to rain and the roads are shit. And I already did some exercising nonsense inside like jumping jacks and various cardio things to some Biebs.

Complainy complainer fun times. Sigh.

Ambiguously,

Jerrica

When I Get Older, I Will Be Stronger. They'll Call Me Freedom, Just Like a Waving Flag.

Dear Julian,

Some revelations have come to mind this week. I've heard some interesting things. Let's dive in, shall we?

On Wednesday, I worked concessions at the basketball game with Charlotte and yes, Carly. I figured I might as well since I was stuck at school anyway, at least until like, 5:30, though I ended up staying until a little bit after 8. Carly was there to support Keenan as well, so her and Charlotte were in and out while I maintained constant, making sure no one stole anything. It turned out to be a very exciting game, with our school winning by one point, though I didn't see any of it, there were many retellings. Carly and I had many an interesting conversation, when Keenan was not hanging around her.

She kissed you.

She admitted this to me after I made the incorrect claim that you had only kissed Dana. She had told me the story of you two, how after her and Keenan broke up, you were there to comfort her (sound familiar?) and were a good friend to her when she needed it. Your time together began to turn romantic, but she wasn't over Keenan yet, so when she and Keenan began to reconcile, you were easy for her to cut. She wanted to remain friends, but you declared "all or nothing" and she chose the latter. She told me that you said you felt bad about what happened between us, and that he genuinely felt bad for every girl he had wronged. You said to Carly that it wouldn't happen between the two of you. She didn't believe you, she confided in me. I don't know if she was dying to tell her story to someone who understands or she feels close-ish to me. Carly and I aren't really that close, we're on a sort of crust of friendship, an area where I'm not sure if I can refer to us as friends or not. We work together often in student council, and the nightmare that became Mock Rock was a stressful time for both of us. Maybe the stress caused her to tell her woeful tale.

But either way, this new information hangs in my head. That she was able to touch your lips with hers and still go back to Keenan, who frankly is a kind of a jerk. They seem like a compatible couple, but he's mean to her sometimes. She's referred to the fact that you can't go near her because of some decree by Keenan, who does seem like the jealous type. But it's not really my place to judge their relationship, one that has been going on for over a year now, when I can barely hold on to a man for a period of three months.

As for the revelation I had, I realized yesterday at the Nordic Bonfire, which you did not attend, that I feel better when you're not around. Better is probably the wrong word, it's more like "alright". When you're near me, this fullness swells within me. When you've just recently left the room, it turns to emptiness. When I was at the Nordic Bonfire, flirting with guys and pouring drinks and putting chips in the "coveted cup" I shared with Bri, while we discussed books she's lent me recently and books we've both read, I feel good about being single. There's something wonderful about being singular. You do things based on your own motives. Your opinions aren't swayed by your significant other, who could think differently. My friends with boyfriends get like that sometimes, and it bothers me a little. When I was with Andrew I made a specific effort not to do so, because I knew that with Graham such events had transpired.

Then again, I wasn't as into Andrew as I was into Graham. I realize that now, when I was talking to Graham at the bonfire. I remember what I found attractive about him. His wide blue eyes, his vibrant orangey-gold hair, his strange, guttural laugh. When I look at Andrew, I remember our experiences but I don't long for them anymore. And according to Ashley, who was talking to me yesterday, Andrew still looks at me with sadness in his eyes. He also has a strange black eye now, one I do not ask about because we no longer have conversations. I wanted to talk to him because I'm sick of that look he gives me, when he clams up and makes his mouth small. Duffy agrees that something has shifted in him, possibly from The Scum, the school he went to, and not from me. I hope it's not from me. I didn't want to ruin him, and that's why I ended it when I did. Any longer and I would be fooling myself, would be deceiving him. I honestly didn't start out that way, but that's the way it ended.

I think he may think I'm more than I am. Andrew and I are compatible, yes, but he's not The One. I'm not sure I believe in The One, I believe that there are a few people out there that we can actually see ourselves being with for the long run, but not The One. Maybe you are one of those few people. Sometimes I think so. I kind of hope that you aren't, but I'll wonder what these feelings are, then. They're so different from anything that I've ever felt. When I broke up with Andrew, something about the things he said made me think that I would realize what a mistake I was making. But I felt relieved, I don't regret the decision I made. I try not to regret things. It makes life a little easier.

Unregretfully,

Jerrica

And It Was Not Your Fault But Mine, And It Was Your Heart On the Line.

Dear Julian,

An eventful past few days. The state race and all. And Dana.

Yes, Dana. The old threat. The ex-girlfriend who is slowly diminishing my hopes. But the girl I can't possibly bring myself to hate because she is a wonderful, nice person who had a little trouble with her ex-boyfriend Tyler. I feel so bad about that, because he was so mean to her. I mean awful. Graham may have stirred up problems where there were none, may have called me fat at one point, but nothing compared to Tyler. He just psychologically abused her, was obsessive and paranoid, and even hit her. She told me all this, tears edging their way out of her eyes. Her, Gabby, and I sat at a table, avoiding the cold of the outside, while she narrated a story filled with love and torture.

How could I hate her?

But there you were, flirting with her even as you sat next to me on the couch, our knees occasionally grazing, our shoulders sometimes making contact, our eyes locking from time to time. How could you not feel the energy between us? Maybe you can, but you choose to ignore it. Millions of theories run through my head, but they all go unanswered. Our Biology teacher told my class today that in science, theories are proven, as opposed to other things. But my theories aren't scientific, unfortunately.

The state race went really well, and I felt good about it. Dana of course beat me. I don't know how she got so good. I'll work really hard next year to beat her. Your ribbing at the Monday race motivated me. You skied over to me just to mock me, as you usually do, while I tried unsuccessfully to push you over while you laughed and skied around. That's when I had a lot of hope. Now, I stand on unsure ground.

I asked Dana about the two of you possibly getting together, and she isn't sure. She's still hung up on Tyler. It's a double-edged sword (30 Rock reference!) here. I want Dana to be in a healthy relationship, to get over Tyler, but I don't want her to be with YOU. I am contemplating telling her about my feelings for you. Bec says it might help with the situation but the only people I've told are her and Liz, in a moment of weakness while shopping for the Latin dinner. She told me a cute story about her and the representative of Papua New Guinea, how he flirted with her through notes like "I'm Czeching you out." (I think it's obvious now what country Liz was representing). And Liz has always been a calming, reasonable presence. But I'm yet to tell Bri.

It's weird, I tell Bri everything. But I'm afraid. She's been so lucky in love, her year anniversary with Joe was this week. I just feel so scattered next to her. Bec has experienced near my level of luck and Liz is too devoted to school to work on cultivating relationships. I'm not sure if that affects her or not. She seems happy. But I probably seem happy most of the time.

Also, Bri and I haven't had much alone time lately, time that hasn't been interrupted by others, mostly Joe. And I don't feel like telling her something this big over text after a lengthy discussion of Pretty Little Liars. I guess I'll know the right time when it comes up. If it ever comes up. Besides, I don't want to jinx this. Maybe the Dana thing came about because I told Liz. Maybe the less people I tell the better. Not really sure how that system works, but I'm willing to stick to it if it means a good end result.

In other good news, I got a 105% on that Bio test! It's a nice change from that 73% I got once-upon-a-don't-feel-like-studying. It felt good, and it's good to know that even in my unrequited love of an emotional state my brain is still functioning. When I took that test I think I forgot about you too, like when I did the state race. I need things like that, things that take up my entire mind, in order to keep sane, I think. I'm going to take up guitar again. I used to play in like, fifth and sixth grade, and I feel like it'll help relieve stress and give me some more sense of accomplishment.

I don't know what's going to happen with you and Dana. Dana doesn't seem all that sure about it, and maybe I can sway her away, not that I'm sure I want to. It's not really fair game, and I know that sounds weird. Maybe it's supposed to be this way, not that I believe in fate or anything, but I do believe in the butterfly effect. Maybe if I tell Dana I like you it'll warp something and we won't ever be together. I'm afraid of veering things off of a path that doesn't involve me. Well it does...how do I explain this?! I think my mind is a little off-kilter or something, at least when it comes to this situation I have going here. Every little choice involving it seems so delicate and malleable, like it could change in an instant if I put my foot in the wrong place.

At least I don't have to worry about Carly. She told me today that you're not allowed to come near her because of some Keenan thing. You can be kind of a weasel sometimes but I think you'll follow something like that. Keenan can be pretty scary, plus he's got his "homies". Do white people have homies?

Perplexedly,

Jerrica

And I'm Bound to Fall, Bound to Fall For You

Dear Julian,

Today was a rather busy day, and I'm finally home after leaving at 10 and returning at 3. It was busy in the sense that there was a lot of movement, a lot of exercise. Today I had Mock Rock practice, and I came face to face with my "enemies". And by "enemies", I mean people that you may or may not like, people that you may or may not date in the future. Carly, Erica, and Lexi. There were other girls there, but those girls do not pose a threat as of now. It feels like I'm in the military or something. And that's kind of funny to say because we have a sort of militia routine for our Mock Rock. "Sophomores ten hut!" Ten-hut? Tenhut?

As much as I try though, I can't hate these girls. Though they do stir up their fair share of drama, Erica and I used to run together. Carly's the president to my VP. And Lexi's simpleness is charming in a way, she's undeniably sweet. They all have a different charisma about them, one that draws people, similar to your charisma, the way you befriend people with a few words out of your mouth. I wonder how people just have that about them. I don't make friends that easily. I mean, I have a lot of friends, but it doesn't take an instant like it takes you.

After Mock Rock got out, Charlotte and I went on a Mocha run. Even though Char can be a scary driver, it's fun in her car. She turns up the Top 40 music and we sing together. I paid for our chais and we arrived to practice 20 minutes early, minutes we spent sitting in the car licking the foam off the inside of the cup and drinking the last sips of warm orgasmic tea. Then practice began. Charlotte and I skied around until we reached The Rock, the meeting place our coach designated. Then I saw you.

You usually don't go to weekend practice. Or at least, you didn't go to the one last week. I wasn't expecting to see you. But there you were. Our coach set us up for those sprint races, and oh, how I hoped that I would get to race you. We're around the same level race-wise, you've beaten me but I've beaten you. I think you may be better than me. I don't know, I haven't seen your race results. But our coach put you in A and me in B. Though you made fun of me for it, you got eliminated in your group and I got third in B, behind Nick (who is boss, let's admit) and Dillon (who cheated and tripped me).

Our coach set us free for free ski, and I went with Bri, who surprisingly did not ski with Joe. I love alone time with Bri, we don't really get it that much. We skied around and I wasn't too far behind her, I was even in front of her for a little bit, but I'm pretty sure she let me. If I can at least keep up with her, I know that I'm doing well.

Then we reached The Hill. As you know, The Hill is where people climb to the top and take a treacherous ski down it. It's the fun part of free ski. You were there with your friends and I was there with Bri. The first time Bri went down, you scared her into falling, but I made it past you, Julian pal. Bri and I unsuccessfully tried to make a gate out of poles when you came down but you made it past. The second time I got up, you blatantly stood right in the tracks. "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!" I shouted at the top of the hill, tucking my poles and zooming down The Hill. You moved out of the way, but as you did, Nate started to move into your place. Freaked, I lost my balance and fell.

"You shouldn't have accepted my challenge, Jerrica," you said a little bit later on, as we crossed over to another part of The Hill track. You stood there in front of Joe, moving swiftly out of the way when he got close. Then it was Bri's turn. She took her poles off and you thought that she was going to hit you with them, so you started whipping yours around. I moved closer to you and we began to battle, until I lost my balance (again) and fell. Our eyes locked for probably 15 seconds. I wondered what was going through your head at that time, but I couldn't tear myself away from your gaze until we both kind of looked away at the same time, towards Bri, who was flying down The Hill when she fell before she even got to you.

That was my encounter with you today. Even if it was limited as always, even if you did a strange wrestle with Dana, I still left feeling like it was just a great time overall. The sprint races were actually pretty fun, I don't know what you thought about them, because you kept losing where I was winning.

Too bad life can't be that way, eh? Seems like it's a little bit of the opposite. Though I still hold out hope, the kind of hope that these days give me. Do you have hope for us too? Hope that you are too afraid to disclose? Or confusion over who you want to be with?

Questionably,

Jerrica

First Thought When I Wake Up, is "My God He's Beautiful", So I Put on My Make-Up, and Pray for a Miracle.

Dear Julian,

I had a dream about you last night, as I usually do. You came up to me and sat with me at my lunch table, angry about something. Apparently I was spreading a rumor that I punched you in the face? This, of course, is based off of that rumor that Megan spread that I slapped you in the face last year after you beat me out for First in Class. And sure, I was mad when that happened, but you know I didn't even lay a hand on you. Oh my God that's why I'm mad at Megan! I couldn't remember why I was mad at her so I let her copy my Bio homework. But whatever. Karma and such.

Anyway, I denied it and you forgave me, and you took my hand across the table. There was a sudden sense of realization on your face, and I took a chance and said, "Do you maybe want to hang out sometime?" You smiled at me and said, "Yes, absolutely."

Then I had another dream that I was sitting in the exact same seat in the lunch room. Our eyes locked for a few seconds, and then you walked right on by.

I wonder what that means.

We lock eyes quite frequently during the day. And by frequently, I mean two or three times. But it's enough to steal the breath from me. Sometimes I feel like you look but maybe I'm with someone in the hallway and I miss it, or vice versa, I look but you're talking to someone else. Usually a girl, like Emily or Kamaya or Paola or Carly or whoever. You like to talk to girls. It's just part of who you are.

Yesterday was a year since I chose Graham over you. Though, essentially, you told me that you also liked Tess and Dana so I thought that you weren't that serious about me. I suppose it's both our faults, like it is every time we try and fail to be a couple. I don't know when or if we'll ever try again. And this is the whole point of this, trying to release all the things I want to tell you and can't. It's kind of therapeutic in a way, to get everything out. And hopefully with the change of blog title and history deleting this will not be found by any members of my family any time soon.

Psychologically,

Jerrica