I'm Walking Free, The Wind At My Back, Bathed in Afterglow.

Dear Julian,

Andrew and I are kind of together again. And this time I love him. Seriously. I'm not all hung up on you anymore. I see you with Carly and I can appreciate the fact that you two are together and that you are cute together even though it won't last once you two go off to college, wherever you go.

I told Andrew about how I was hung up on you. He and I were laying in bed together, clothes on, perfectly appropriate, and he expressed his jealousy over what the two of us had. I guess I didn't hide it as well as I thought.

Andrew is beautiful, and I really do love him. Right now he's kind of bugging me by being in one of his creative moods, though. And I guess that's why I'm writing to you. I'm kind of tired and annoyed and I don't want to express this to Andrew because I don't want to hurt his feelings but I should because I feel like I've been rubbed raw with how much I am disclosing to him. I tell him so much about my day and how I feel and what I feel.

I want him to realize how much I love him and stop pulling back. I want him to man up and date me instead of skirting around excuses. I don't think he realizes that I'm mad at him, I'm not sure. I'm not good at being mad or maybe I am.

I told him about you and I realized that in a way I suppose I am over you. I'll always be attracted to you but no longer do I want to date you right now. I want to be with Andrew, I want to feel him on top of me as he kisses me and maybe does other things.

I wish he and I had dated after I had gotten over you, that this was our first time together. I suppose you ruined that for me.

Anyway, I'm tired and kind of in a bad mood so I guess I should do some homework and get on with my life.

I just wish that some things had transpired differently. I'm glad about where I am; I have a good life and a good future awaiting me, whatever that may be. I hope that is the same for you.

Uncertain About the Future of This Blog,

Me

We'll Rip Apart Those Socialists and All Their Damn Taxes

Dear Julian,

I have absolutely no idea where my life is going. Senior year, you know? Every single step I make could be a step in the right or wrong direction. Tests, quizzes, homework grades, anything. I just feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff sometimes.

I don't know how to feel about anything.

I'll probably always like you, but I'm feeling something towards Andrew that I can't entirely explain. And I know we dated two years ago, but when I was at the homecoming volleyball game Courtney was telling me about she's always sensed some unresolved feelings, and it's true.

I really can't meet new people, can I?

Maybe after the whole Graham incident I just want some guy to hold me and tell me that he won't do the same horrible things that Graham did. And Andrew was a really great boyfriend. I want to tell some guy about everything, and have him tell me that if he sees Graham he'll kill him. Andrew was always super protective like that.

I find him attractive, though. And sometimes our eyes will catch, and we'll talk, and maybe if I just make out with him once (or twice) it will get out of my system.

The other day, when you were touching me too much and I told you to stop, and you got that look in your eyes like you wanted to know why. I want to tell you so badly. I know that I really can't because you have a girlfriend of about a year now, as much as it pains me to say, and it would be weird without some sort of attachment of feeling, wouldn't it? Even though Brianna told you all of that stuff last year, you guys were really close friends. We aren't that close. It just hurts me sometimes to carry it around. I told some of the girls on my cross-country team, well alluded to it somewhat, and I told Brianna the entire thing. For some reason I haven't told Bec, but I guess I'd rather tell her in person.

Also, Charlotte really likes Andrew. And I don't want Charlotte to hate me. That just seems like unnecessary cruelty on my part, and I'm genuinely trying to be a better person. That's why I'm not being more proactive with Andrew, texting him and everything. He can come to me if he really wants to be with me again.

I kind of wish I could just get through this year though, so I wouldn't have to think about this terrible stuff. So I can move on, maybe find another guy, not you, because frankly even though I like love whatever you so much it's just getting frustrating and maybe I can just tamp it down and be with somebody else and live my life. Maybe once I get out of this tiny school, wherever I may end up going, I'll see clearer and beyond these confines, even if I end up in Ohio.

I'll still write you, though.

Yours,

Me

You Come Beating Like Moth's Wings

Dear Julian,

Blah blah blah, I'll love you forever.

I sit here on my stupid armchair watching The Incredibles while you're probably making out with your girlfriend Carly and I'll just be in love with you until the end of time, or at least more than two and a half years that it's been already.

You're probably doing more than making out.

Don't worry, Bri already told me about you and Carly.

And I can't hate Carly. At Courtney's party last week we talked a lot, not about you, at least, not until someone else brought you up. Someone asked where you were. Then someone else said "I bet he moved." And then Carly said, "No, if Jeff moved, I would kill myself."

I don't really know what to make of that, really. All I know is that I've felt this sickening, barely-containable love and I don't know how you feel but I know that when our eyes connect there's something. Something. Goddamn it.

I wish I knew what I looked like to you. Sometimes I feel pretty and other times I feel ugly and ashamed and these letters won't do a damn thing.

I'm trying trying trying to do better. To focus on other things.

I should go. Maybe I'll write to you later. I have homework and college applications and interview questions.

Somewhat hurriedly,

Jerrica

I Don't Want To Sit on The Pavement While You Fly

Dear Julian,

I went back to Graham for awhile, a two-month while. It was stupid and pointless and a waste of my feelings and time.

My love for you is seasonal, it seems. I'm recalling two years ago, when we hung out together, everything so fragile and complex, but when it was just us together, it felt so right.

Two years, I've had feelings for you for two years. And I don't know if they ever stop, but cycle through me like hormones or energy. It's something that's with me all the time, something I feel but my body out of healing tries to suppress. It's all coming back to me now.

Today in Chemistry, and this is going to sound totally and completely terrible and weird, but you put duct tape over my mouth. Admittedly, I was singing Christmas songs, but you did. You looked straight into my eyes and slowly smoothed it over my lips. And then after it was off I smoothed it onto your cheek, almost in effect kissing your cheek. If only, I suppose.

You are still with Carly, as you've been for months, but she's flighty at best, so maybe in the future things will go my way.

Oh wow. Shit.

I just wrote a lot and it all got fucking deleted...

I just...

Wow. Fucking blogger.

I Don't Know Why I'm Scared, Because I've Been Here Before, Every Feeling Every Word, I've Imagined It All.

Dear Julian,

I don't want to get too excited.

We had a conversation in Study Hall today, just hanging out, looking at our AP History tests. We talked about grades, about siblings, about pressures and life. It felt like it used to, sitting on my old couch in the renovated basement. Your fidgeting, hand gestures, as you rhythmically swung back and forth on the library chairs as I usually do but didn't today. I was leaning forward, trying to get closer to you. We looked each other in the eyes, your gorgeous teal-blue eyes that just make me feel like...something's there.

You were nice.

Normally you're mean, in your weird way. Your mind games, your tests. But then...you were as I remembered you. Thoughtful, full of little anecdotes about your older brothers, talking in a way that didn't hurt anyone. It was that little space of time, H-Block, that I truly felt that we truly have a chance now. A chance to be something new. And that made me happy.

I just recently read Sophia's post on Tumblr, about her realization that she was bisexual, I think? It sounded like she was bisexual, and not a lesbian as I had previously thought. I don't know why I'm talking about this, but like, it was beautiful. And I want to tell her that, but I don't really know how without seeming like a creepy stalker since she only posted it on her Twitter. I want everyone to read it and realize what she went through. That hurting Ian was the last thing she wanted, but that she had to because it was the way she felt, and she couldn't deny it. She and Ian had a companionship instead of a relationship, like Lauren and Burbank too, Brianna's sister and her ex, respectively.

When the flame goes out, you can't fake it. I was talking to Natalie about this during cross-country, as we ran a four mile run in the rain. She talked about her relationship with Nate (yes, your Nate), and I talked about mine with Andrew. How, when we couldn't feel anything for them anymore, all we could do was end it.

Speaking of Andrew, after he got a 29/45 on his History, I had to grab him by the shoulders and tell him that it wasn't that bad of a grade. It was weird, grabbing him by the shoulders and looking him in the eyes. I knew where that used to go, and it was strange being back in that place. But again, I don't have any feelings for him anymore. I know my feelings for you are stronger, feelings that I've had. Andrew and I never really had that spark I was looking for. And I tried to find it, but if it's just not there, it's not there, and that's it.

I've probably said this a million times, but I don't know where we're going. I hope it's somewhere good, and I hope if we can get a good thing going and keep it going. I don't want to be another Dana or Carly. I want to be Jerrica. I want to be the girl that lasts, the girl that makes you think, makes you feel, makes you work for who you want to be. I wasn't that girl last year, I was a little insecure and unable to stand on my own. I wasn't that girl when we tried to be together the first time, when we fumbled and lost our footholds. This time I'm the girl I want to be, and I hope I'm the girl you want.

But if not? I'll live, I promise.

This whole thing, I started it to get out all these feelings that I was having, all these emotions that I wanted to express to you but didn't know how. And here I am. It's therapeutic, really. I don't want you to think that this is some sort of strange obsession, because it's not. Don't you have things to say to people but can't? Like maybe to me? ;) Just kidding, sort of.

I'll see you tomorrow, and hopefully the days coming will be good.

With hope,

Me

Would You Lie With Me And Just Forget the World?

Dear Julian,

I remember the song of the title, you had it in your quotes on Facebook for a long time. I'm pretty sure it was directed at me. Forgetting the world, forgetting Graham. Sometimes, I'll admit, it was what I wanted to do. I felt the constant pull of you, but I felt Graham's pull too. I remember looking at myself in the mirror at my old house, wondering who this girl was and who she had become. And that's approaching on two years ago now.

I never wanted to cheat on Graham with you. Okay, that's a lie. I did. But I never did. I may have shamelessly flirted with you and sent two thousand "kiss me" signals but nothing ever transpired. Even after I broke up with Graham, nothing ever really happened. I should've kissed you after we hugged. I should've moved in and let it happen.

I had a dream about kissing you the other night. But it was too soon. The kiss felt good, and you kissed back, but I had surprised you and I knew once we broke apart you would say something that would break my heart. We were on the bus to my house, for some strange reason.

I've done bad things, things that I don't want to tell you about. And since these are basically letters to you I don't want to say. But it was by far the worst thing I've ever done in my life. And the worst part? I kind of want to do it again. And that's why my feelings for you are so complicated right now. The girl in the mirror nearly two years ago had no idea of what she was actually capable of.

Don't worry, it's not murder or drugs or anything. It's just...a breaking of an unspoken code. A sacred code, almost like the Bible or Q'uran or Torah or what have you. And I still feel both bad and good about it. Sometimes it's warm, sometimes it's cold.

I went running today. I might talk about that a lot. Even so, even after the Multicultural Fair, I felt low. I went breezing through Goodwill and I just felt this heaviness. After getting home, I had some frozen GoGurts and I felt better. Still, running usually does a sort of trick on me, as in tricking me into feeling better. We shall see.

I have to work tomorrow. Work has been such a constant, it's lasted through Graham, through you, through Andrew, through my Summer Transgressions. No matter what, there is almost always work on Sundays. Some other days depending on the busyness of the store. And of course there are some days off. Very rare days off. I need to get paid.

"Winter Winds" by Mumford & Sons is playing on my current 8tracks mix. I love 8tracks. This song makes me feel complicated things too. I want to tell you, but I'm afraid of saying it. I hate saying it. I told Tess about it. She was understanding and I don't think she'll tell. I've told very few people. I really don't like to, no, I definitely hate it. It just makes me feel like such a weak character.

Ah yes, during my run today I was thinking about things in my life that may have symbolism. But can life, which is so random and unpredictable, have literary predictions? I looked over some of my past blog posts on here, and there may be some foreshadowing, some dramatic irony. Is my entire life plotted out? Have I gone off script? Have we gone off script?

I believe in karma, but I don't believe in a fate or ultimate destiny that is beyond our control. We have control over our lives. But love? How can I believe in one true love without believing in fate? Or even true love, for that matter.

Getting deep tonight, aren't we? It's only a little after eight, my parents are watching some weird movie about Jim Morrison? The dude from The Doors. You probably knew that.

Okay.

I have hope for our future, even if it isn't laid out in stone. I hope that we can make the right decisions. And maybe you can stop being so mean sometimes.

All for now,

Me

I Took a Sip of Something Poison But I'll Hold on Tight

Dear Julian,

We talk again. And I know you talk to a lot of girls. And my feelings for you are complicated at best. I don't know what they are. Sometimes I like you, sometimes I want to rip your head off and break your bones (but that's normal), and sometimes I forget about you completely. There are times when it's just nothing.

I can get obsessive but I'm staying cool for the most part. I keep my options open. I focus on school. I'm glad I joined cross country. Running helps me escape emotional pain, I've learned. Even if I run to new ones. I don't want to get too specific.

As Tess said you "flirt like a five year-old". And you do. You take the batteries out of my calculator. You steal my pen. You rip my homework papers. I retaliate, try to stay out of trouble. I want to be sly like you, seamlessly staying out of teacher's bad sides, sides I can easily get into if I try hard enough.

Junior year feels promising, a flower blooming. And I want it to. I want to be happy, I want to feel sunlight on my face. I want to be better.

I don't know if those plans involve you.

Some days I just feel low. Today is one of those days. And it was weird because it was the first sunny day in like, a week and I'm usually happy on sunny days. It might've been my low energy level because of the race yesterday. I fell asleep way early, about 10, but I still woke up exhausted like I barely slept at all. I wore sweatpants to school and that might've not helped because they felt like pajamas. Then in cross country we ran to the lake but there was some sort of steamboat convention and they put milfoil poison in the water so we weren't allowed to swim. And when I say ran, I mean ran. We totally booked it the whole way on the promise of a refreshing swim. But I guess not.

We played capture the flag and I won the game (I lost the game, sorry) for my team. That might've been a little misleading. I got the flag and won it. I just lost the game, as in The Game. You know. Then we played lap tag and some stuff happened and it wasn't bad stuff I just don't really want to talk about it all that much. Now I'm just sitting on my couch in sweatpants and a hoodie and a blanket over me and I just feel low. It's one of those days.

I had a great week overall. Dave Matthews Band on the radio on Tuesday. Whenever DMB comes on on the way to school/work it means good luck. It's a superstition of mine that nearly never fails. So perhaps it's more of a proven hypothesis. Advanced Bio. We have a lot of classes together this year.

Right now, I just want to put "Torches" on my iPod, lay in my bed in my blankets and listen to it. Close my eyes and forget my bit of troubles and remember my blesses. I wrote them all down in a recent diary entry and it made me feel so much better. That was a good day. I wonder if I have depression or something. It's probably pretty mild and running typically makes it go away, today it didn't really but whatever. Sometimes Julian, I don't know. It all seems like a lot to be dealing with.

That just reminded me that I need to sign up for the October SAT's. Yikes. Just got onto College Board. Everything's moving so fast sometimes. And sometimes things don't come soon enough. And there never seems to be a happy medium that I like. C'est la vie. Viva la France.

Exhaustedly,

Me