We'll Rip Apart Those Socialists and All Their Damn Taxes

Dear Julian,

I have absolutely no idea where my life is going. Senior year, you know? Every single step I make could be a step in the right or wrong direction. Tests, quizzes, homework grades, anything. I just feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff sometimes.

I don't know how to feel about anything.

I'll probably always like you, but I'm feeling something towards Andrew that I can't entirely explain. And I know we dated two years ago, but when I was at the homecoming volleyball game Courtney was telling me about she's always sensed some unresolved feelings, and it's true.

I really can't meet new people, can I?

Maybe after the whole Graham incident I just want some guy to hold me and tell me that he won't do the same horrible things that Graham did. And Andrew was a really great boyfriend. I want to tell some guy about everything, and have him tell me that if he sees Graham he'll kill him. Andrew was always super protective like that.

I find him attractive, though. And sometimes our eyes will catch, and we'll talk, and maybe if I just make out with him once (or twice) it will get out of my system.

The other day, when you were touching me too much and I told you to stop, and you got that look in your eyes like you wanted to know why. I want to tell you so badly. I know that I really can't because you have a girlfriend of about a year now, as much as it pains me to say, and it would be weird without some sort of attachment of feeling, wouldn't it? Even though Brianna told you all of that stuff last year, you guys were really close friends. We aren't that close. It just hurts me sometimes to carry it around. I told some of the girls on my cross-country team, well alluded to it somewhat, and I told Brianna the entire thing. For some reason I haven't told Bec, but I guess I'd rather tell her in person.

Also, Charlotte really likes Andrew. And I don't want Charlotte to hate me. That just seems like unnecessary cruelty on my part, and I'm genuinely trying to be a better person. That's why I'm not being more proactive with Andrew, texting him and everything. He can come to me if he really wants to be with me again.

I kind of wish I could just get through this year though, so I wouldn't have to think about this terrible stuff. So I can move on, maybe find another guy, not you, because frankly even though I like love whatever you so much it's just getting frustrating and maybe I can just tamp it down and be with somebody else and live my life. Maybe once I get out of this tiny school, wherever I may end up going, I'll see clearer and beyond these confines, even if I end up in Ohio.

I'll still write you, though.

Yours,

Me