I don't really know what to say to you at this point. You're dating Carly and I'm not sure if I should care or not. My feelings for you are, let's say complicated. Everything is complicated. I want to not feel for a few days and see how that is. I want to disappear inside a cocoon sometimes. Sometimes it feels like I can't get anything right.
I actually had a decent day. Today was the last day of school, I went out to lunch with my friends, I watched "Pretty Little Liars". Actually I think I'm just overheating, but I have some things to say.
We went wrong. We went oh so very wrong. And most of the time I don't miss you, but when I do it hurts. I was thinking about how a year has gone by so fast it seems, and it has. My life is whooshing by me and I don't know how to make it stop. I want to close my eyes and have time freeze and maybe you'd be there with me like when you told me about how sometimes you think the world is all in your mind, just like I do. But you didn't do it in some obnoxious way like Andrew always did, over-analyzing everything and sounding like a douchebag. You never did that. You always made it seem like your accomplishments weren't anything hugely important to the order of the universe, but accomplishments all the same.
But you are a player, and I know that. You flirt with every girl and even some guys though you probably don't realize it.
Maybe what's bothering me is that everyone thinks you're such a great guy. And you are, but not for the reasons everyone thinks. You're smart and talented but you hide behind popular and flirty. And maybe that's a lot of people's aspirations.
There's a party on Saturday but I don't know if I want to go. I'll feel left out if I don't but if I do go I don't want to see you and Carly cuddling up in front of the campfire. I want to make other plans but I have work the next day anyway so it's not like I can do anything major like go to...anywhere. I might as well just go but I feel like I shouldn't. There's a bad omen surrounding this party that I can't explain. I guess I have a few days before I have to decide.
I've been training for my half-marathon and it's been going pretty well. Dillon and Charlotte are in a bit better shape but we're basically equal. It feels good to go out and run, it makes me forget everything. And maybe because today was a rest day I don't feel well now. Running makes me feel better.
Tess is sad too. We're both sad about this Carly thing. I don't know if she really likes you because she said on the field trip to Boston that she might not say yes to you if you asked because she didn't want a boyfriend. But I guess she must've changed her mind. Still, something's up.
I'm trying to keep my life moving on its own, on my own. I don't...I don't know. Everything I see these days reminds me that I'm single but I have to keep moving forward, have to keep track of my goals, without a guy to pull me down. But I'm still in the shadows and people who do less than me are getting more, which I don't understand. People who don't care are being cared for. And though I stumble I always pick myself up, I don't expect others to do it for me. I love my friends but I have my own side to me, my own identity. I don't put everything up on Facebook and I don't pour my thoughts out over statuses. I tell everything to myself, to Bri sometimes, to friends here and there like Courtney and Bec.
Lately I've been keeping a lot to myself, though. And that could be what's making me hurt inside. I should tell Bri about my secret thoughts.
Here goes.
1. I like someone I shouldn't.
2. I flirt with people I shouldn't.
3. I think things I shouldn't think.
4. I make up stories that will never come true.
5. I've gone through every possible situation of any romantic situation I'd want to happen.
6. I'm one of those people who says "if this happens, then something totally unrelated will happen".
7. I've cried one tear since beginning to type this.
8. This is today's first tear.
9. Sometimes I'm convinced I'm fat.
10. I hate my breasts.
11. Sometimes I think Brianna is trying to make herself anorexic.
12. But I think she's gorgeously skinny so there's your double standard.
13. I've tried to make myself time travel on many occasions, basically on brain power alone.
14. I try to treat every new place I go as an adventure.
15. I'm not as pretty as Carly and that's why you like her.
16. I screwed everything up I screwed everything up. Like always.
17. I hate someone I pretend to like being around and I thought everyone agreed with me but maybe people are more twofaced than I thought.
18. I hate this girl that acts like a whore.
19. Sometimes I think everyone hates me.
20. I need to go to bed.
Someone's,
Me
